Devoted Blog

Even If

August 8, 2018

Blog by Alana Fisk

The greatest stories usually have a plot of good vs evil, good overcomes and the hero wins the victory. Our story is a story of good overcoming – but also of loving God even when the story doesn’t go as planned and the victory wasn’t apparent.

Our story is about hope in the midst of pain – the hope you have in a good and faithful God who never leaves you during the pain of not getting what you so desperately want.

My husband and I both decided that we liked the idea of fostering while we were still dating. Once we were married and the time came to start building our family we thought we would go ahead with both fostering and trying to conceive naturally and see which came first. We didn’t know it was the beginning of an 11 year journey with unexplained infertility with both of us.

Our first 3 wild boys came via foster care and we were delighted. We had a 5yr old, 2yr old and an 11month old all come permanently into our family within six months of each other.

We also really believed God had more children for us from my womb. We tried for three years to become pregnant before deciding to try in-vitro… I thought infertility was a hard journey but I was yet to feel the full force of grief to come.

Our very first in-vitro cycle was miraculously successful and we became pregnant. We were astonished and couldn’t believe how blessed we were!

I was so delighted to finally be pregnant and everything went really well until I was just over 8 months pregnant. Until he didn’t kick for an entire day. Then I got the news alone in the hospital that there was no heartbeat…

At 33 weeks and 4 days … Samuel Max, (meaning prayed for), was born into the world, he was born sleeping with unexplained stillbirth stated as the reason. This was not the victory story I was wanting, or believing to be part of.

I was induced and gave birth to our first natural born son with no drugs and in shock and despair. Our overwhelming sense of wanting Samuel and believing that GOD could raise him from the dead was not enough to bring our boy to life. To say we were lost for words was a huge understatement – here was our promise from God dead in our arms.

I had to draw strength from God like never before. I couldn’t withdraw from God completely because HIS presence was the only thing keeping me sane … We clung to Gods Word and kept speaking that His promises never fail and that He was present with us in this.

I determined to find God in the everyday. I knew that the worst had happened and I still knew that GOD is a good God and wouldn’t leave me or forsake me (HEB 13:15 NIV). I read and found Gods healing in Ann Voskamps words and practised finding gifts of thankfulness (book “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp).

We waited another two years before returning to implant our frozen embroyos and on our 2nd try we became pregnant with Nathaniel, (meaning gift from God). He was screaming and alive at birth and our joy and healing was taking place.

I don’t think we got our live baby Nathaniel because of our exceeding faith or good works. I think we found grace and Gods goodness even in the midst of our biggest loss and disappointment.

GOD was faithful and never left us. Our reward was in our perseverance (James 1:12 NIV). Not the reward of our live baby, but the reward of the crown of life … which is eternally with GOD.

Nathaniel is now 2 years old and we recently decided to try for our third birth child and were once again surprised to find ourselves on the infertility trail another time. I was determined not to lose my relationship with God over our fertility issues! Our pastor suggested us taking a private communion – so with close friends we did that and it was a beautiful time of prayer, healing and hope. Five embryo transfers and another in-vitro cycle and our fifth embryo is currently in our womb at 8 weeks gestation.

The journey continues and I’m determined to push forward with hope

and courage knowing that come what may, all I can do is hold tightly to HIM. HIS Story is the greatest story and HE is the hero when all is said and done!

I pray where ever you find yourself on the journey – you cling to hope … Hope in God’s goodness no matter what. Believe for the best. Find strength in Him even if….